Why Self-Esteem?

Why Self-Esteem?
A couple of days ago someone asked me why I chose to write a book on self-esteem. It was a good question that made me pause for a minute. I realized there are a couple of answers to this question.


The first one is that there was a time when I had very poor self-esteem. When I was a child I perceived my little sister as the “perfect one”. She was cute, smart, funny, and everybody loved her. I probably resented the fact that she came along when I was two and “stole” my parents’ attention, so in response, I became angry and inadvertently drove people away.

My parents were loving and fair, but as we all do, I acted on my perception and decided that because they spent more time and attention on my sister (as is necessary with small children) I wasn’t as loveable and valuable as she was.

This was the beginning of 25 years of feeling “less than” others. I decided I wasn’t as loveable, valuable, capable or competent as everyone else, and this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I didn’t know how to make friends, and my grade school years were mostly lonely. High school was slightly better, but I still didn’t value who I was.

After many experiences in which I was successful, I began to realize that I am OK and actually have much to offer. By the time I was in my 30s I also understood that the opinions of others do not define who I am. I decided that I am just as loveable, valuable, capable and competent as others, and that I’m OK as I am. This doesn’t mean I’m ‘perfect’, since there is always room for growth. It means that I can love myself, imperfections and all.

However, I still remember how painful life was when I didn’t value myself, and I became a Licensed Professional Counselor so I could help and empower people so they would never have to feel that way.

In my counseling practice it became clear to me that the people who have positive self-esteem have an easier time dealing with whatever life brings them. Those who feel they are loveable and competent are able to cope with life’s traumas and move on. Those who don’t love themselves seem to struggle.

I wanted to help people avoid the pain that I experienced in my early life, so my friend and colleague, Jan Napoleon, and I decided to write a book that helps people rediscover the amazing person they’ve always been. The result is Self-Esteem: An Inside Job, and over the years it’s been the platform for people to reconnect with the incredible person they are.
Self-Esteem: An Inside Job

Whoops!

Whoops, I'm just learning how to do this blogging site, and managed to post a blog with no spacing.  I hate it when that happens!  Anyway, I apologize for the one that's difficult to read, and will give it another try.
Thanks for your patience with my learning curve. :+)

Why Self-Esteem

Why Self-Esteem? A couple of days ago someone asked me why I choose to write a book on self-esteem. It was a good question that made me pause for a minute. I realized there are a couple of answers to this question. The first one is that there was a time when I had very poor self-esteem. When I was a child I perceived my little sister as the “perfect one”. She was cute, smart, funny, and everybody loved her. I probably resented the fact that she came along when I was two and “stole” my parents’ attention, so in response, I became angry and inadvertently drove people away. My parents were loving and fair, but as we all do, I acted on my perception and decided that because they spent more time and attention on my sister (as is necessary with small children) I wasn’t as loveable and valuable as she was. This was the beginning of 25 years of feeling “less than” others. I decided I wasn’t as loveable, valuable, capable or competent as everyone else, and this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I didn’t know how to make friends, and my grade school years were mostly lonely. High school was slightly better, but I still didn’t value who I was. After many experiences in which I was successful, I began to realize that I am OK and actually have much to offer. By the time I was in my 30s I also understood that the opinions of others do not define who I am. I decided that I am just as loveable, valuable, capable and competent as others, and that I’m OK as I am. This doesn’t mean I’m ‘perfect’, since there is always room for growth. It means that I can love myself, imperfections and all. However, I still remember how painful life was when I didn’t value myself, and I became a Licensed Professional Counselor so I could help and empower people so they would never have to feel that way. In my counseling practice it became clear to me that the people who have positive self-esteem have an easier time dealing with whatever life brings them. Those who feel they are loveable and competent are able to cope with life’s traumas and move on. Those who don’t love themselves seem to struggle. I wanted to help people avoid the pain that I experienced in my early life, so my friend and colleague, Jan Napoleon, and I decided to write a book that helps people rediscover the amazing person they’ve always been. The result is Self-Esteem: An Inside Job, and over the years it’s been the platform for people to reconnect with the incredible person they are.

Love -- The Rest Of the Story

Last week I was on an hour-long talk radio show on KCMX 880 AM, and because it was Valentine’s week, the subject was love. We looked at the different kinds of love: relationship love; parental love; friend, sibling, pet, etc. love; love vs. lust, and so many other aspects of this huge subject that affects us all. It was big fun!

A man named Jerry called in and said he and his wife had been married for 25 years. He wanted to know if after all that time romantic love is supposed to be the same as it was in the beginning of the relationship. The answer is, No, it’s not. Ideally it has grown into something deeper, stronger and more powerful.

However, it’s important to know that over time love ebbs and flows. Sometimes it’s exceptionally strong, and sometimes we take it and our loved one for granted. When life, routine and familiarity get in the way, the love often ebbs for a while. It’s at these times that your friendship with each other carries you through.

What I didn’t have time to talk about on the radio is what to do when your relationship is in the ebb phase, so let’s do that here.

Although it’s normal for romantic love to lose its brilliance with time and familiarity, it’s important to rekindle it so you will have times when it will once again burn brightly.

There are numerous things a couple can do to fan the embers back into a blaze. Some of these are:
· Really look at, and see, your beloved. Not only physically, but also be sure to see the wonderful person you fell in love with. After many years we often forget to really see each other.
· Talk with each other about the status of your relationship and how you would like to improve it.
· Remember the qualities that made you fall in love with this person, and start noticing these things again.
· Revitalize your communication. Take the time to sit and talk without distractions, about subjects other than family logistics, work, kids, etc. Share your hopes, dreams and fears as you did when you were first together.
· Share appreciation statements. Verbalize your thanks when s/he does something thoughtful, or just appreciate him/her for a special quality you’ve always admired.
· Pay attention to how you and your partner show love. It may be with words and affection, it might be with thoughtful gestures or taking care of things so the other won’t have to, or it can be by going to work and making the money so your beloved will be secure. However you do it, make sure you each see and receive these behaviors as gifts of love, and express appreciation for them.
· Rekindle the romance. If your physical relationship has gotten stale or routine, do things differently and find the fun.

Maintaining romantic love takes time, energy and thought. However, if both partners want to keep it alive and are willing to make the effort, your love will grow and sustain forever.